What have I lost?
by Zanteh
Summary: Little young girl, she's suffering alone. Tootie's happiness has faded away a long time ago. Crappy fanfic, but still good gloom to read.


Dear reader,

this fanfiction is very different from the other ones, but I don't care a damn about it. It is quite crappy and I know about the mistakes, but I only wanted to write something simple but clever. I was just in the right mood for something like that and I think this is a unique occasion to demonstrate that I'm simple as a dying rose and not only complicated as a red lily.

The characters don't belong to me, but knowing that they're safe in Butch 3man hands makes me sigh in relief.

Hoping you'll enjoy yourselves wasting your time here!

-Zanteh

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**What have I lost?**

Is... this... real?

My precious gem... my most precious gem...

I'm famous for my extraordinary ability of losing things. When I was a child, I used to lose everything. People ask me 'What have you lost?' as 'How are you?'. Maybe, it's because they like seeing me suffer. Yes, they love staring at me while I'm trying not to choke in my own bad excuses, stammering ashamed false pleas, hoping to save myself from the inconstant future.

What have you lost?

They always go asking with an irritant smirk on their wax faces. Do you feel so important, looking down to me as I were a disgusting stray dog covered in blood after your car took the muscles away from my broken leg? Do you feel so popular, ignoring me while you walk down the other side of the street, not caring about me as I were the horrible fly that will bring you malaria? Do you feel better, after ripping out the heart from my ribcage and squishing it in your hand?

Well, I do.

I'm afraid I won't do your duties today, my unloved sister, but it's not my own blood which has painted the dull walls of this room with such a wonderful vermilion hue.

But I have to thank you, Vicky. You ruined my life, but I still want to thank you. If you hadn't dug those two lovely grave, I would have never been able to hide mum and dad's body from the bright daylight. They're in the most wonderful place right now, don't you think so, my hateful sister? Oh, yes, sorry. I forgot. Your head is still smashed against the mirror. Wait, I'm coming help yo...AAAH!

WHAT'S THAT THING?

There, in the mirror! It's- It's not me! I'm not like that! I- WHO'S THERE? Who did that sound downstairs? I-I'm all alone and.. Vicky, you didn't move, no, you-you didn't... Right? You're dead and deads don't... WHO'S...?

W-what's happening? Damn, my head... where are my pills? I thought I put them here... somewhere... why do I never find anything? Stupid drawer... Stupid mania of collecting stupid things... socks, postcards, oh, look this one was sent by Timmy...

Timmy... why you? You, unattractive spoiled selfish brat, why?? WHY? Damn, where are my medicines? Oh, look, here you are...

My razor blade... Daddy doesn't know that I had to break up three of his razors to take it. Poor daddy. Maybe he's at work now and he doesn't know... he doesn't know what... what...

Why am I crying? I don't have to cry or the pain will come out, will creep into my lungs and will choke me, I don't want to suffer I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER I DON'T...

I can't say why I'm doing this again... but it's an ancient relief, that comes from the depth of your soul and... I wish I've never started... Damn, I'm soaking the covers again.

Where's the towel? Oh, please, don't say me that mum had taken it away. Oh, that's great. Maybe Vicky is still sleeping now... c'm on, Tootie. You can reach the bathroom and get back in a minute and no-one will know it.

AH! Cold floor! I must remember to put some socks on. November is a lazy bitch, damn.

It's cold... I wonder if tomorrow it'll rain... no, maybe some fog. Hey, if I say hello to Timmy in the fog, maybe he won't recognize me and will say it back! I should do that.

Damn, some blood dripped on the carpet... what will I tell Vicky? A cat's entered from the window? Aliens? Timmy? Timmy will be great. But it's past midnight, isn't she sleeping yet?

Weird... I don't hear her snoring. She's like an untuned orchestra when she sleeps.. Idiotic sister. What did I do wrong to deserve her? Oh, bathroom door, now I'll be able to...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! W-WHAT IS THAT?

VICKY! Oh my God! Vicky! Vicky! Vicky, wake up! Vicky! Vicky! Mum! Dad! Vicky's.. Vicky's...

Dead. Isn't it the most wonderful thing I could have ever wished for? I killed my own nightmare. And now, I'll kill my...

I did so? Oh my... I-.. I KILLED MY OWN SISTER!! Oh, my God, I-I'm getting completely insane! I- What shall I do now! Mum!

Mum! MUM! Damn, mum, you've never...

You've never been by my side when I needed you. You were always there, complaining about how much your life was horrible and how much your work was unpaid, but you never thought about me! ME! Your suffering younger daughter. You let me get tortured by that sick maniac of my sister and maybe you were sure that that psychologist could solve all problems in your place, but you were wrong! He only gave me pills and pills and PILLS!

Tootie, take the red pill to sleep, take the blue one to be quiet, take the yellow one to dream take the white one to be satisfied... I'm sick of this! I can't solve my problems by taking pills every minute of my day! What would he think, if he knew that...

That I kill myself for him. I started dying inside, the coldness crept on my heart and became the only feeling that I can get. No more happiness, no more sadness. Only a gloomy desperate cold hand squashing my heart when I feel bad.

I started dying inside... and outside. I started cutting myself, burning my own skin, smoking and trying to punish myself because I wasn't good enough for you. I want you so badly...

I will never be able to wear a short sleeved top any more... and...

It's all your fault! Why can't you love me? WHY?

I wish I'd never done that first cut... I can't stop myself now... I spend my days thinking about cutting, I want to go home only to see my scars, I refuse to eat because I want to touch my bones. And I'm pushing this all too far... but I don't care.

Vicky is dead... I killed her. Maybe mum doesn't answer because she died too... I'm such a monster... I'm such a desperate horrible monster...

Do I deserve to live?

I don't know... Life is made to fullfill our dreams... I heard once. One of the people who claimed to be my friends said that Life worths living... if you've got someone standing by you. But who do I have?

No-one...

Timmy... will you say hello to me tomorrow?

I will say hello to you, on crying trough the tears of my shame.

I loved you, Timmy. Why couldn't you see that? I loved you. I loved you. I really loved you.

I won't ask you to help me, Timmy. Even if I can't make it, I won't ask. I don't want you to know about it. You would suffer and I don't want to pain you. I've always be a pain for you. I've always be a pain for you all.

What have you lost?

I think I've lost my... Life.

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I know, I know, you're not satisfied with it. I know this is not one of my best shots, but hey, I felt like it! You have to try new styles to find the most suitable for you!

Still hoping this story was liked and not misunderstood. I'm against self-injury. S.I. only pains you and gets you addicted to it, until you wake up one day and you find out that you ruined yourself with your own hands. Please, don't do that first cut. Please.


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